Hmmm.. I'm so sorry if I've been cold towards anybody recently.. Was not in the best of mood.. Too much thoughts running through my mind.. And I guess one of my weakness is to express my thoughts, sharing my feeling with people, thus keeping everything to myself and feeling so miserable.. So here I am blogging again, the only place to let my thoughts be known.. Don't really know where to start so I shall start with another one of my weaknesses which is to overthink things. I may not have much general knowledge and seems like a child at times, but the thing is I do think about things, especially things that people have said and reflect upon them. It's just that I don really speak up so people do not know that I actually think. And sometimes, I just think too much that I overthink about things, finding faults with myself and ends up getting all moody, not talking to anyone. Always starting out thinking about the positive stuff, the possible stuff but eventually negative thoughts starts to set in. What I would have once thought possible might just be impossible after all. So, recently met up with a few seniors, from hi club and also from inline skate.. I guess the reason for meeting up was actually for the performances coming up? Going to have a performance with the hi club people on the 26 august, and also performance for NDP with the skating people. Hi club performance have been planned, the songs chosen and settled. The date for the performance is nearing but yet, not one rehearsal have been done. It's pretty much upsetting that we have been trying to plan for rehearsal but it will always get pushed to a later date and we'll have to rush through the rehearsal again.. The performers doesn't seems to have a day that's free for rehearsal.. Been making plans and decision for the past few performances and decided that I actually do not really want to be involve in this performance, but still end up involving. Need to start arranging for the next rehearsal, pushing and getting people to come. Another performance is actually the NDP performance. Was asked by Wilson if I would like to be involve and I agreed almost readily. The first time performing for NDP was when I was in sec 1 and my school choir was invited to perform. Quite like the feeling of performing there and naturally if I was given a chance to perform again, I would agree. But I have my concerns as this time round the performance I will be involve in is actually to be skating around and the thing is, I haven been skating and kinda lost touch with skating, not to say when I stopped skating a few years back, my skating skill was just as bad. So went for the first rehearsal and it was quite super bad. Been placed with a group of people who can actually skate really well, and it really just stress me out. So.. Have been training and yep.. They say I have shown improvement but I still do not have the confidence in myself.. Another weakness of mine, the lack of self confidence? But because of this performance, I start going out with them often? Like going out before going for our rehearsal? So, there's this senior I have a crush on when I was in poly year one and I din not know that he actually knew that. Towards him, I always have this tinge of fear but still having feeling for him nonetheless. So.. After nearly 4 nears of not talking much to each other and now we've started talking again.. And the feeling seems to come naturally back with him.. But this time round, things seems to be a little different. He knows my feelings, rejected it but we're still staying as friends, talking as per normal. And we have been talking quite a lot.. So, knowing of his situations, I was trying to keep my feelings contained, not wanting to pressurised him or anything.. But sometimes, I can't help it but feels upset and jealous. I like it when I'm with him, it just makes me happy naturally and I enjoyed all our chats. But being me, I tends to get too involve easily(another weakness?) and I feel like I'm affecting him even though I do not really want to, I don like the idea of us drifting apart like what happen years ago.. Though I'm at a loss of what to do at times, guess I'll just keep it going, don really like the idea of us not talking.. No point hiding my feelings since he already know, but i guess what I can do now is to keep it contained and to stop thinking so much. What really hurts me now is the thought that u might leave me one day, so don leave me alright.. Thought that my thoughts are complicated and have yet to figure out my thoughts, but after reading through what I have wrote, I just found out the answer to myself. And I feel much better now..